holy bajeezus.

I have two words on my brain.

they are...

HOLY HELL.

the last two days have been a whirlwind of craziness. and what is the craziest is that it hasn't even been busy, I've just been so preoccupied with children, that I literally was lucky to have time to pee. I had heard about these kind of days, but I highly doubted that they existed until I became a mom of two.

I had a bit of (another) identity crises the other day and texted one of my very closest friends and said, "I don't know what happened to me, I've turned into a bitch, I used to be so carefree and energetic and happy". she replied, "actually you've always been a bitch". HAHA! I needed that response more than anything else she could've said. But in all seriousness, I have gotten WAY too caught up in the way things are "supposed" to look. I mean seriously, I have gotten so wound up about such little things, I'm like Cameron from Ferris Bueller and that is NOT ok with me. I am supposed to be Ferris. I'm supposed to be awesome.

yesterday I literally tried to get out the door to the grocery store all day, finally we left around 6:30 pm. We drove to the store and parked. I sat and stared at my gas light that had turned on, rubbed my temples, talked out loud to myself a bit, and then drove right back home. I thought about everything that was ahead of me. the list (that I had forgotten on the counter at home), the adding of the products on the calculator on my phone, all the people that would stop and ask me questions about my kids (age, sex, name, future college plans), checking out and striving to be friendly to the lovely checker-outer, loading up the car, unloading, putting everything away. I decided I just couldn't do it. If just thinking about was making me feel slightly violent, it probably wasn't a good choice for me. but what the hardest part for me was, it was OK.

what? it was ok for me to not be able to do what I felt needed to be done? I noticed I had, and who knows for how long, been operating like someone was watching me and grading me. watching me and waiting for me to fail. but no one is. the world will not shit a brick and think, "oh myyyyyy Natalie couldn't get her shit together and do the shopping today, BAHAHAHAHA!!!!" how did I end up putting all this pressure on myself? where did I go so wrong? I certainly don't want my kids to go through life putting that ridiculous pressure on themselves over stuff that just doesn't matter that much.

do we have things we have to do? yes. do we have people that rely on us that we need to consider? absolutely. but making sure we are making the right choices for ourselves, our health even, is what is going to make everything flow much better.

today was pretty similar to yesterday, nothing has been looking like how I'd like. the kids aren't sleeping well, Moses is at yet another transitional period where I am stumbling pretty much 24/7 trying to figure out what the heck the kid wants. if I don't let myself get caught up in what everything "should" look like, I feel so much better, and stress has nothing on me. that seems healthier to me. it is surely easier said than done, as there will always be things going wrong and poops you have to clean (in my case anyway). my greatest inspiration is my kids. everything I am doing, they are watching, and that very fact lights a very necessary fire under my butt.

I had to make a similar decision just to sit down and get this all off my chest. I've been trying to get Moses to nap for about 3 hours now, not exaggerating. Vaelyn too. Finally I just let Vae get up, and I'm letting Moses fuss in his room just so I can get some time to myself to process. again, something that is hard for me to do, but I just have to.

it is also hard for me to remember I someone besides a mom. it is so consuming. so fantastically challenging in every way. I remember being young(er) and making fun of women like me. women whose status updates were about breast feeding and their clothes had stains and they didn't know what to talk about except their kids. but that seriously is my life. it is exhausting in it's own right just trying to not lose sight of who you are, as if us moms need another thing that exhausts us. well anywho, that's all the time I have for verbal regurgitation today.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
-Ferris.

next steps.

now that I have aged a bit, (I'm no longer 18) I have a new found fear of getting old. I never used to be afraid of getting old. if anything I was excited about it. but since I have transitioned from my teens to my 20s, I have noticed so many changes physically and mentally. some of them I welcome with open arms, others are what bring on that very fear I already mentioned. in my head, I still feel 18. I still feel young and hip and energetic. but the fact is, I'm not. I was hip... 6 years ago. I was the youngest out of my friends, now I'm older than some. and energy? what is that? any and all energy goes to my kids. what is left over goes to my husband a friends, and when it is just me and me alone, I'm lucky if I can keep my eyes open long enough to slurp down a cup of joe or write a 20 minute blog. I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, as I am not, I am simply noticing these things for the first time. along with new lines on my face. oh yes, they are called WRINKLES. I'm not trying to scare the youthful and childless, saying your future is doomed, as I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I just wouldn't.

sometimes, like when I go into plato's closet, hipster girls are bitchy to me. I'm obviously above grabbing them by their little mullets and telling them about my lush past. but sometimes I'd like to. I must rest in the very fact that I wouldn't trade my current life for anything, or things start getting confusing. and it is a fact that I wouldn't trade any of it. it is not a maybe or a what if.

this june I will be 25. that is not old. that is not bad. but it is not 18. or 19. or so on. it is 25. what do I want for myself now? where do I see myself going the next 10 years? I am no longer in high school asking, where do I see myself in the next ten years, as I am already here. this is a girl, no a lady, in her 20s, wondering where she sees herself in the next ten years. my babies will be in school all day. what will I be doing? hmmmmmm.

"I must create. only then am I escaping just simply living or dying."

creating is the only thing I've known since I was a child I absolutely NEED to be doing. it's just as vital as eating and breathing to my health. as long as I stay in tune with my own ideas and believe I can actually make them come to pass, I think I will be ok no matter how old I am.

I have peter pan syndrome pretty bad, although one might argue that as I am a stay-at-home mom. (the classic opposite of peter pan right?) but being a wife and mother has been the greatest, most rewarding adventure ever, so I think that still qualifies me as peter pan-type. it's all in the adventure. I don't ever want to lose sight of adventure or what it is to feel "young". in fact, that is the very thing that has been tripping out lately, I feel a certain way and when I look in the mirror it doesn't match. in a snap I'll be 63, looking in the mirror feeling the exact same way. I am bit terrified of that, but I'm trying not to be.

ah, there are adventures to be had! it makes me excited.

"the world is your playground. you know that as a kid but somewhere along the way people forget." - yes man.

speaking of yes man, chris made me a cd of all Zooey's music from her band in that movie, Vae and I listen to it in my car and it is amazing. although I had to start skipping the "late night booty call" song as Vae was starting to sing it haha! oh dear. "you can call me at 10:59 but don't call me at 11 cause that's my rule now".

rant.

I'll speak to you through lies and videos
I'll play that horn like I know how it goes
You've turned the corner into what you would be
I'm still here with my feet as roots from a tree
There's no straight answer and no final place
Common understanding is an unbeatable race
I start back where we first could relate
Wishing now we could make it the same

I thought time had no effect on love
Now I know it wasn't what we originally spoke of
It was a deal I made by myself
A hand that I shook for the sake of my own health

I'll come back to your profile page
And see how you haven't changed
I'll wipe your technical tears and try to sooth your robot fears
Motionless as you walk further away
Trying not to roll over back on to the old days
I'll lift my hands in wonder and shock
Asking where the time went on our clock
I'm the unsound one, the wrong one
Im the person you're running away from
I'll take my foot off of the pedal, slow down till I come to a stop
I'll turn and take with me all the moments you brought then forgot

nothing much.

I am not sure where April is going, but where ever it is, it is heading there fast. too fast for me. seems like just yesterday chris attempted to April Fools me by saying he crapped his pants and needed me to bring him a new pair to work. and now it is the 26th. 25 days gone in blur of foggy memories. phew. so much has gone on this month. we had chris's parents stay with us for 4 days to celebrate his 33rd birthday. then my mom came for a week while my sister was in mexico for her spring break. now it is just back to us 4. bittersweet, because life is about 151 thousand percent easier when grandparents are around. after my mom left, I walked into my kitchen to the sink full of dishes and realized I hadn't rinsed or washed a single dish since she had been there. so naturally I took a picture of my messy kitchen, sent it to my mom and asked where are you?

when Chris's parents were here, they paid for everything. dinging out, groceries and even gas. but I guess that would be pretty rude if I had them around all of the time, using them as maids and sugar daddies. mmmm sugar daddies. remember those? they hurt my teeth, but they are good.
my in laws bought chris a BBQ for his birthday, it has been the greatest thing since moses to happen to our family. chris knows how to make the most amazing food on that thing, it is literally changing my life. I also am cooking less and less, and quite frankly that's just fine with me. and it is mighty fine with my tummy too.

my tummy is (very) slowly but surely shrinking, little by little. I've been getting up early to walk/jog around the lake behind my house, which helps me take on the day with these two little ones much easier. it feels so good to have the cold morning air slap me in the face and wake me up, I get to clear my head, cuss out loud about the 17 hundred times my sleep was interrupted, pray for my upcoming day and prepare myself for a day full of needy babes. I've also been trying to eat better, although the easter bunny tried to sabotage me. I now have a drawer full of chocolate coconut eggs, my favorite, how come it couldn't be a chocolate candy a day keeps the doctor away? sigh. oh well, all in moderation I suppose. all I know are these lumps and bumps are really starting to piss me off, and summer is coming. I think it is coming anyway, sometimes reno forgets summer. whether it comes or not, I'd like to resemble beyonce soon.

it was really nice to have such an amazing visit with my mom. growing up, I was almost sure her and I would never have a good relationship. we always argued, made each other cry, and pretty much loathed each other. ever since I moved out over 6 years ago, things have just gotten better and better. to get little glimpses here and there of the relationship I've always wanted with her is something I will never take for granted. I love her so much, and will be damned if I let all the shit that has been thrown at us over the years steal away any of the time I can get with her. I wonder how different our relationships would be if we looked at all of them that way. I wonder how different we would treat the people in our lives if we constantly acknowledged that one day, any day, they could be gone. I bet there'd be a lot less time for pettiness. anyway, going to get off this subject before I get too disney movie on you.

well, I have one crying baby, one toddler running around as if I gave her crack, and a very obnoxiously loud elmo in the background as I write this. I think my thoughts are done for today.

soulful splendor.

many people don't believe they have a soul. for instance, Edward Cullen. poor bloke. I beg to differ. ever since I was a little girl, I feel I have been very aware of my soul. I know what makes it full, what makes it hurt and I know when it is empty. I think of my soul as a "tank" that holds all the fuel that makes me who I am. there is a reason for who I am, there is a reason I am the only me, there is a reason I love certain things and dislike others. there is a reason I get some things and don't get or care to get others. there is no hiding when my soul is low or empty, and everyone around me suffers when it is.

this weekend, the question of what breaks someone's spirit arose in conversation. what makes a dog walk away with their tail between their legs? what makes an extraverted child seem timid and scared? what makes a confidant person afraid to speak their mind? it's when people aren't careful with their soul. they aren't careful with what makes them who they are. they don't handle them with gentleness, considering who the person is. there are all kinds of abuse, but I think the most common are the words we speak and our selfishness. thinking of ourselves before others and speaking without thinking are the most common ways we abuse each other. I see it every day. thinking we are better than anyone else is the worst abuse we can cause on our own soul, it damages us and puts our sight into extreme tunnel vision. until we see ourselves as beautiful, and except ourselves for who we are, we will never do anyone else any good. it's plain, it's simple.

my husband knows my soul better than I do. I often get myself into a funk and won't get myself out. he always notices and makes suggestions. oh to be known is a beautiful thing. what fills my soul? a good book, amazing music, nature, my family, art, people watching, the sound and sight of water- to name a few. what fills your soul? or if you don't believe you're an owner of a soul, what makes you feel alive? what makes you feel content? what gets you through the days?

the other day chris suggested I go for a walk around the pond behind our house. I didn't want to. I was tired. but I knew it was what I needed all the same. I took some pictures. I threw some rocks into the water so I could hear the water splash. I took my sandals off and felt the brisk air between my toes. I sang out loud to myself. I thought of people I loved. I listened to the birds and geese talk to each other. I felt peace in my soul. like a breath of fresh air right there in my center. sigh, I needed it so bad.

take time to take care of yourself, even when you are tired, especially when you're tired and disheartened. if we don't start there, loving others gets too difficult and what are we here for if it isn't to love others well?

the world is a richer place because of who you are.

cloudy.

I don't have any answers.

As I sit perplexed and alone in my cold and dark living room, each member of my family is fast asleep. They are rested, they are warm, they are dreaming of lucky charms and bunnies.
Or so I hope.

But not me. I feel with my feelers too much feeling. I used to spend every night like this. Sitting, contemplating, unable to sift through my thoughts and organize them alphabetically, put them away and call it a day. They have become further and farther in between. I have gotten older, I have gotten my excess energy stripped away by tiny people, I have gotten more and more exhausted. Not tired, not sleepy, not doneskies, but exhausted. In every sense of the word. But tonight, not even the exhaustion can consume me. All that I feel is the sunken ship that is my heart. Heavy within my chest, weighing me down, suffocating every breath I attempt to take. There might even be a few anchors that have been thrown off the sides, giving me a little extra ache and a little extra depth. Go ahead and dig yourself out of this one, it teases.

I want to be known. I want to be heard. I want to be loved for every last molecule that makes up my being. I want to be needed. I want to know, if I were to be gone tomorrow, would the world be different, or would it go on all the same? Don't we all.

How do we coexist with one another, when we are needing and yearning for these things, yet we are all so radically different? We are wired uniquely, we are all taking different directions to the same place, hoping to see each other there. We are speaking words to someone who is hearing something different, even though it's the same language.

There are mountains we all have to climb, some of us run, some of us even run away, avoiding the mountains as if they aren't even there. Some of us are panting, arms hanging heavy as we fall by the wayside. We're in a corn maze, guessing which way we should be going, until we run into a wall and have to turn around and try again. I feel tired. I feel tired of attempting. Attempting and failing. Attempting and gaining. Attempting and then attempting again. And thus I find myself here again. I might as well be fifteen and have morrissey blaring in my ears right now.

Come tomorrow the sun will rise, I'll get up and try try again, and all will be well with the world. As for now, I just want to go jump on my husband, make him hold me and listen to me and fix me. But I won't, because that's just plain rude.

Someone said to me, we are addicted to depression and stress. We don't know how to function without it in this society. I want to prove him wrong and say, nope not me. The heart that pumps sorrow through it's veins is called doubt. Worry. Questions. It's all the same thing. If we didn't have so many questions, we'd all be speaking the same language, holding hands around some campfire somewhere.

Tonight, I have no answers. I feel unsure and lost.

Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. and thank God for that.

confessions.

hi, I'm natalie and I'm a complainer.
hi, natalie.
there are two kinds of complainers. there's the kind that piss and moan, pout and drag on their vowels when they whiiiiine. then there's the kind of complainer that is nonchalant about it. in other words they don't really know they're complaining, but everything they say is negative. I suffer from both, but I am a profesh at the second kind. here's an example.
how are you today natalie?
I'm good. I mean I haven't slept well in weeks and have had this shitty cold for two weeks. but I'm good.
see the sneaky-ness of it?
what did you think of that movie natalie?
it was great, except the beginning was kinda slow, then the middle was a little strange, and the ending was so predictable. but totally good.

I'm starting to realize more and more that I'm hearing, oh I'm sorry, a lot. I'm sorry you're sick. I'm sorry you're tired. I'm sorry I picked out a lame movie and you could write a better script and make a better one. bottom line is what on earth do I have to complain about? no one should be saying sorry to me. I have everything I could ever want or need. I have an amazing marriage with a saint of a man, two healthy kids who also have everything they need, a kitchen full of food, we all have beds to sleep in. If I wanted to go out to dinner tonight, I could. If I wanted to buy a life size cut out of Zooey Deschanel for my living room right now, I could. I mean...
who'd want to do that? :)

how can we alter our thinking to where what comes out of our mouths is more positive? I don't want people to be feeling compelled to apologize to me. that is not ok with me and I want to change it. I am not saying there aren't going to be times when I'm just going to have to be honest when someone asks how I am, but how do I change the percentage of positive so it outweighs the negative? perspective. I gotta keep on keepin on. when something gets brought to my attention about something that bothers me about myself, only I can change it. and I want to.
in other news, I hope you're having a glorious friday. happy april!