I'll speak to you through lies and videos
I'll play that horn like I know how it goes
You've turned the corner into what you would be
I'm still here with my feet as roots from a tree
There's no straight answer and no final place
Common understanding is an unbeatable race
I start back where we first could relate
Wishing now we could make it the same
I thought time had no effect on love
Now I know it wasn't what we originally spoke of
It was a deal I made by myself
A hand that I shook for the sake of my own health
I'll come back to your profile page
And see how you haven't changed
I'll wipe your technical tears and try to sooth your robot fears
Motionless as you walk further away
Trying not to roll over back on to the old days
I'll lift my hands in wonder and shock
Asking where the time went on our clock
I'm the unsound one, the wrong one
Im the person you're running away from
I'll take my foot off of the pedal, slow down till I come to a stop
I'll turn and take with me all the moments you brought then forgot
Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
nothing much.
I am not sure where April is going, but where ever it is, it is heading there fast. too fast for me. seems like just yesterday chris attempted to April Fools me by saying he crapped his pants and needed me to bring him a new pair to work. and now it is the 26th. 25 days gone in blur of foggy memories. phew. so much has gone on this month. we had chris's parents stay with us for 4 days to celebrate his 33rd birthday. then my mom came for a week while my sister was in mexico for her spring break. now it is just back to us 4. bittersweet, because life is about 151 thousand percent easier when grandparents are around. after my mom left, I walked into my kitchen to the sink full of dishes and realized I hadn't rinsed or washed a single dish since she had been there. so naturally I took a picture of my messy kitchen, sent it to my mom and asked where are you?
when Chris's parents were here, they paid for everything. dinging out, groceries and even gas. but I guess that would be pretty rude if I had them around all of the time, using them as maids and sugar daddies. mmmm sugar daddies. remember those? they hurt my teeth, but they are good.
my in laws bought chris a BBQ for his birthday, it has been the greatest thing since moses to happen to our family. chris knows how to make the most amazing food on that thing, it is literally changing my life. I also am cooking less and less, and quite frankly that's just fine with me. and it is mighty fine with my tummy too.
my tummy is (very) slowly but surely shrinking, little by little. I've been getting up early to walk/jog around the lake behind my house, which helps me take on the day with these two little ones much easier. it feels so good to have the cold morning air slap me in the face and wake me up, I get to clear my head, cuss out loud about the 17 hundred times my sleep was interrupted, pray for my upcoming day and prepare myself for a day full of needy babes. I've also been trying to eat better, although the easter bunny tried to sabotage me. I now have a drawer full of chocolate coconut eggs, my favorite, how come it couldn't be a chocolate candy a day keeps the doctor away? sigh. oh well, all in moderation I suppose. all I know are these lumps and bumps are really starting to piss me off, and summer is coming. I think it is coming anyway, sometimes reno forgets summer. whether it comes or not, I'd like to resemble beyonce soon.
it was really nice to have such an amazing visit with my mom. growing up, I was almost sure her and I would never have a good relationship. we always argued, made each other cry, and pretty much loathed each other. ever since I moved out over 6 years ago, things have just gotten better and better. to get little glimpses here and there of the relationship I've always wanted with her is something I will never take for granted. I love her so much, and will be damned if I let all the shit that has been thrown at us over the years steal away any of the time I can get with her. I wonder how different our relationships would be if we looked at all of them that way. I wonder how different we would treat the people in our lives if we constantly acknowledged that one day, any day, they could be gone. I bet there'd be a lot less time for pettiness. anyway, going to get off this subject before I get too disney movie on you.
well, I have one crying baby, one toddler running around as if I gave her crack, and a very obnoxiously loud elmo in the background as I write this. I think my thoughts are done for today.
when Chris's parents were here, they paid for everything. dinging out, groceries and even gas. but I guess that would be pretty rude if I had them around all of the time, using them as maids and sugar daddies. mmmm sugar daddies. remember those? they hurt my teeth, but they are good.
my in laws bought chris a BBQ for his birthday, it has been the greatest thing since moses to happen to our family. chris knows how to make the most amazing food on that thing, it is literally changing my life. I also am cooking less and less, and quite frankly that's just fine with me. and it is mighty fine with my tummy too.
my tummy is (very) slowly but surely shrinking, little by little. I've been getting up early to walk/jog around the lake behind my house, which helps me take on the day with these two little ones much easier. it feels so good to have the cold morning air slap me in the face and wake me up, I get to clear my head, cuss out loud about the 17 hundred times my sleep was interrupted, pray for my upcoming day and prepare myself for a day full of needy babes. I've also been trying to eat better, although the easter bunny tried to sabotage me. I now have a drawer full of chocolate coconut eggs, my favorite, how come it couldn't be a chocolate candy a day keeps the doctor away? sigh. oh well, all in moderation I suppose. all I know are these lumps and bumps are really starting to piss me off, and summer is coming. I think it is coming anyway, sometimes reno forgets summer. whether it comes or not, I'd like to resemble beyonce soon.
it was really nice to have such an amazing visit with my mom. growing up, I was almost sure her and I would never have a good relationship. we always argued, made each other cry, and pretty much loathed each other. ever since I moved out over 6 years ago, things have just gotten better and better. to get little glimpses here and there of the relationship I've always wanted with her is something I will never take for granted. I love her so much, and will be damned if I let all the shit that has been thrown at us over the years steal away any of the time I can get with her. I wonder how different our relationships would be if we looked at all of them that way. I wonder how different we would treat the people in our lives if we constantly acknowledged that one day, any day, they could be gone. I bet there'd be a lot less time for pettiness. anyway, going to get off this subject before I get too disney movie on you.
well, I have one crying baby, one toddler running around as if I gave her crack, and a very obnoxiously loud elmo in the background as I write this. I think my thoughts are done for today.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
soulful splendor.
many people don't believe they have a soul. for instance, Edward Cullen. poor bloke. I beg to differ. ever since I was a little girl, I feel I have been very aware of my soul. I know what makes it full, what makes it hurt and I know when it is empty. I think of my soul as a "tank" that holds all the fuel that makes me who I am. there is a reason for who I am, there is a reason I am the only me, there is a reason I love certain things and dislike others. there is a reason I get some things and don't get or care to get others. there is no hiding when my soul is low or empty, and everyone around me suffers when it is.
this weekend, the question of what breaks someone's spirit arose in conversation. what makes a dog walk away with their tail between their legs? what makes an extraverted child seem timid and scared? what makes a confidant person afraid to speak their mind? it's when people aren't careful with their soul. they aren't careful with what makes them who they are. they don't handle them with gentleness, considering who the person is. there are all kinds of abuse, but I think the most common are the words we speak and our selfishness. thinking of ourselves before others and speaking without thinking are the most common ways we abuse each other. I see it every day. thinking we are better than anyone else is the worst abuse we can cause on our own soul, it damages us and puts our sight into extreme tunnel vision. until we see ourselves as beautiful, and except ourselves for who we are, we will never do anyone else any good. it's plain, it's simple.
my husband knows my soul better than I do. I often get myself into a funk and won't get myself out. he always notices and makes suggestions. oh to be known is a beautiful thing. what fills my soul? a good book, amazing music, nature, my family, art, people watching, the sound and sight of water- to name a few. what fills your soul? or if you don't believe you're an owner of a soul, what makes you feel alive? what makes you feel content? what gets you through the days?
the other day chris suggested I go for a walk around the pond behind our house. I didn't want to. I was tired. but I knew it was what I needed all the same. I took some pictures. I threw some rocks into the water so I could hear the water splash. I took my sandals off and felt the brisk air between my toes. I sang out loud to myself. I thought of people I loved. I listened to the birds and geese talk to each other. I felt peace in my soul. like a breath of fresh air right there in my center. sigh, I needed it so bad.
take time to take care of yourself, even when you are tired, especially when you're tired and disheartened. if we don't start there, loving others gets too difficult and what are we here for if it isn't to love others well?
the world is a richer place because of who you are.
this weekend, the question of what breaks someone's spirit arose in conversation. what makes a dog walk away with their tail between their legs? what makes an extraverted child seem timid and scared? what makes a confidant person afraid to speak their mind? it's when people aren't careful with their soul. they aren't careful with what makes them who they are. they don't handle them with gentleness, considering who the person is. there are all kinds of abuse, but I think the most common are the words we speak and our selfishness. thinking of ourselves before others and speaking without thinking are the most common ways we abuse each other. I see it every day. thinking we are better than anyone else is the worst abuse we can cause on our own soul, it damages us and puts our sight into extreme tunnel vision. until we see ourselves as beautiful, and except ourselves for who we are, we will never do anyone else any good. it's plain, it's simple.
my husband knows my soul better than I do. I often get myself into a funk and won't get myself out. he always notices and makes suggestions. oh to be known is a beautiful thing. what fills my soul? a good book, amazing music, nature, my family, art, people watching, the sound and sight of water- to name a few. what fills your soul? or if you don't believe you're an owner of a soul, what makes you feel alive? what makes you feel content? what gets you through the days?
the other day chris suggested I go for a walk around the pond behind our house. I didn't want to. I was tired. but I knew it was what I needed all the same. I took some pictures. I threw some rocks into the water so I could hear the water splash. I took my sandals off and felt the brisk air between my toes. I sang out loud to myself. I thought of people I loved. I listened to the birds and geese talk to each other. I felt peace in my soul. like a breath of fresh air right there in my center. sigh, I needed it so bad.
take time to take care of yourself, even when you are tired, especially when you're tired and disheartened. if we don't start there, loving others gets too difficult and what are we here for if it isn't to love others well?
the world is a richer place because of who you are.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
cloudy.
I don't have any answers.
As I sit perplexed and alone in my cold and dark living room, each member of my family is fast asleep. They are rested, they are warm, they are dreaming of lucky charms and bunnies.
Or so I hope.
But not me. I feel with my feelers too much feeling. I used to spend every night like this. Sitting, contemplating, unable to sift through my thoughts and organize them alphabetically, put them away and call it a day. They have become further and farther in between. I have gotten older, I have gotten my excess energy stripped away by tiny people, I have gotten more and more exhausted. Not tired, not sleepy, not doneskies, but exhausted. In every sense of the word. But tonight, not even the exhaustion can consume me. All that I feel is the sunken ship that is my heart. Heavy within my chest, weighing me down, suffocating every breath I attempt to take. There might even be a few anchors that have been thrown off the sides, giving me a little extra ache and a little extra depth. Go ahead and dig yourself out of this one, it teases.
I want to be known. I want to be heard. I want to be loved for every last molecule that makes up my being. I want to be needed. I want to know, if I were to be gone tomorrow, would the world be different, or would it go on all the same? Don't we all.
How do we coexist with one another, when we are needing and yearning for these things, yet we are all so radically different? We are wired uniquely, we are all taking different directions to the same place, hoping to see each other there. We are speaking words to someone who is hearing something different, even though it's the same language.
There are mountains we all have to climb, some of us run, some of us even run away, avoiding the mountains as if they aren't even there. Some of us are panting, arms hanging heavy as we fall by the wayside. We're in a corn maze, guessing which way we should be going, until we run into a wall and have to turn around and try again. I feel tired. I feel tired of attempting. Attempting and failing. Attempting and gaining. Attempting and then attempting again. And thus I find myself here again. I might as well be fifteen and have morrissey blaring in my ears right now.
Come tomorrow the sun will rise, I'll get up and try try again, and all will be well with the world. As for now, I just want to go jump on my husband, make him hold me and listen to me and fix me. But I won't, because that's just plain rude.
Someone said to me, we are addicted to depression and stress. We don't know how to function without it in this society. I want to prove him wrong and say, nope not me. The heart that pumps sorrow through it's veins is called doubt. Worry. Questions. It's all the same thing. If we didn't have so many questions, we'd all be speaking the same language, holding hands around some campfire somewhere.
Tonight, I have no answers. I feel unsure and lost.
Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. and thank God for that.
As I sit perplexed and alone in my cold and dark living room, each member of my family is fast asleep. They are rested, they are warm, they are dreaming of lucky charms and bunnies.
Or so I hope.
But not me. I feel with my feelers too much feeling. I used to spend every night like this. Sitting, contemplating, unable to sift through my thoughts and organize them alphabetically, put them away and call it a day. They have become further and farther in between. I have gotten older, I have gotten my excess energy stripped away by tiny people, I have gotten more and more exhausted. Not tired, not sleepy, not doneskies, but exhausted. In every sense of the word. But tonight, not even the exhaustion can consume me. All that I feel is the sunken ship that is my heart. Heavy within my chest, weighing me down, suffocating every breath I attempt to take. There might even be a few anchors that have been thrown off the sides, giving me a little extra ache and a little extra depth. Go ahead and dig yourself out of this one, it teases.
I want to be known. I want to be heard. I want to be loved for every last molecule that makes up my being. I want to be needed. I want to know, if I were to be gone tomorrow, would the world be different, or would it go on all the same? Don't we all.
How do we coexist with one another, when we are needing and yearning for these things, yet we are all so radically different? We are wired uniquely, we are all taking different directions to the same place, hoping to see each other there. We are speaking words to someone who is hearing something different, even though it's the same language.
There are mountains we all have to climb, some of us run, some of us even run away, avoiding the mountains as if they aren't even there. Some of us are panting, arms hanging heavy as we fall by the wayside. We're in a corn maze, guessing which way we should be going, until we run into a wall and have to turn around and try again. I feel tired. I feel tired of attempting. Attempting and failing. Attempting and gaining. Attempting and then attempting again. And thus I find myself here again. I might as well be fifteen and have morrissey blaring in my ears right now.
Come tomorrow the sun will rise, I'll get up and try try again, and all will be well with the world. As for now, I just want to go jump on my husband, make him hold me and listen to me and fix me. But I won't, because that's just plain rude.
Someone said to me, we are addicted to depression and stress. We don't know how to function without it in this society. I want to prove him wrong and say, nope not me. The heart that pumps sorrow through it's veins is called doubt. Worry. Questions. It's all the same thing. If we didn't have so many questions, we'd all be speaking the same language, holding hands around some campfire somewhere.
Tonight, I have no answers. I feel unsure and lost.
Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. and thank God for that.
Friday, April 1, 2011
confessions.
hi, I'm natalie and I'm a complainer.
hi, natalie.
there are two kinds of complainers. there's the kind that piss and moan, pout and drag on their vowels when they whiiiiine. then there's the kind of complainer that is nonchalant about it. in other words they don't really know they're complaining, but everything they say is negative. I suffer from both, but I am a profesh at the second kind. here's an example.
how are you today natalie?
I'm good. I mean I haven't slept well in weeks and have had this shitty cold for two weeks. but I'm good.
see the sneaky-ness of it?
what did you think of that movie natalie?
it was great, except the beginning was kinda slow, then the middle was a little strange, and the ending was so predictable. but totally good.
I'm starting to realize more and more that I'm hearing, oh I'm sorry, a lot. I'm sorry you're sick. I'm sorry you're tired. I'm sorry I picked out a lame movie and you could write a better script and make a better one. bottom line is what on earth do I have to complain about? no one should be saying sorry to me. I have everything I could ever want or need. I have an amazing marriage with a saint of a man, two healthy kids who also have everything they need, a kitchen full of food, we all have beds to sleep in. If I wanted to go out to dinner tonight, I could. If I wanted to buy a life size cut out of Zooey Deschanel for my living room right now, I could. I mean...
who'd want to do that? :)
how can we alter our thinking to where what comes out of our mouths is more positive? I don't want people to be feeling compelled to apologize to me. that is not ok with me and I want to change it. I am not saying there aren't going to be times when I'm just going to have to be honest when someone asks how I am, but how do I change the percentage of positive so it outweighs the negative? perspective. I gotta keep on keepin on. when something gets brought to my attention about something that bothers me about myself, only I can change it. and I want to.
in other news, I hope you're having a glorious friday. happy april!
hi, natalie.
there are two kinds of complainers. there's the kind that piss and moan, pout and drag on their vowels when they whiiiiine. then there's the kind of complainer that is nonchalant about it. in other words they don't really know they're complaining, but everything they say is negative. I suffer from both, but I am a profesh at the second kind. here's an example.
how are you today natalie?
I'm good. I mean I haven't slept well in weeks and have had this shitty cold for two weeks. but I'm good.
see the sneaky-ness of it?
what did you think of that movie natalie?
it was great, except the beginning was kinda slow, then the middle was a little strange, and the ending was so predictable. but totally good.
I'm starting to realize more and more that I'm hearing, oh I'm sorry, a lot. I'm sorry you're sick. I'm sorry you're tired. I'm sorry I picked out a lame movie and you could write a better script and make a better one. bottom line is what on earth do I have to complain about? no one should be saying sorry to me. I have everything I could ever want or need. I have an amazing marriage with a saint of a man, two healthy kids who also have everything they need, a kitchen full of food, we all have beds to sleep in. If I wanted to go out to dinner tonight, I could. If I wanted to buy a life size cut out of Zooey Deschanel for my living room right now, I could. I mean...
who'd want to do that? :)
how can we alter our thinking to where what comes out of our mouths is more positive? I don't want people to be feeling compelled to apologize to me. that is not ok with me and I want to change it. I am not saying there aren't going to be times when I'm just going to have to be honest when someone asks how I am, but how do I change the percentage of positive so it outweighs the negative? perspective. I gotta keep on keepin on. when something gets brought to my attention about something that bothers me about myself, only I can change it. and I want to.
in other news, I hope you're having a glorious friday. happy april!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)