having a horribly sentimental heart is something that can be good or bad, depending on the day. there are days when despite what that heart is feeling, it expresses a joy that overflows and brings joy to everyone else around. or there are days when it aches so enormously, just the mere achievement of feeling joy seems at a loss. on those days the carrier of the sentimental heart, might be walking alongside the road, heart pulsating with undefined pain, wondering "what would allow me to feel happiness in this moment?" would finding 150,000 dollars rolled up and bound by a blue rubber band make me happy? no. would a cup of my favorite coffee make me happy? no. would finding out one of my dreams came true make me happy? no. would hearing that the people I love are all sublimely happy. that would help, but no. would reaching a mirror and having nothing but love and acceptance for the girl I saw staring back at me, make me happy? no. the only thing that could even begin to clear away the fog that is pain and allow the tired heart to feel a glimpse of happiness, is gratefulness.
gratefulness is a sly little trickster, because it doesn't come natural to us. in fact, it is a current flowing rapidly in the opposite direction we are sailing. there are ideas in our minds that have been planted either a long time ago or even seconds ago, and those little ideas have not-so-little power. those ideas bleed into dreams, that bleed into expectations, that bleed into letdowns, that bleed into sorrow. what those ideas are, are ideas. and that is all. ideas we birthed into our own minds. which can be reality to us, we think them, we feel them, they are real. or are they? what we have is what we have, and chances are we have an awful lot.
but oh those sentimental hearts, they tell you what you long for and they scream it so loudly. not only do you feel it emotionally, but it rattles you physically. all I know is that although the sentimental heart is strong, I have to be stronger. I have to keep walking against that tide. I have to keep focusing on what is real, and I have to keep expressing joy for those around me, because if I don't, I'm simply just dying.
this video, rivers and roads, wraps me up in a nutshell today.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
it's been a while. (it's been a hott minute)
I really get upset when phrases that should be common phrases in my life are in fact not common phrases like the one used to title this blog post. "it's been a while" has been ruined by that song by... who are they again? oh yeah stained. they are forgotten, while the phrase is forever ruined. much like "you're beautiful". I saw your face in a crowded place, and I'll never be the same. yeah, those songs can all die. I guess it's time to come up with some new phrases. like, it's been a hott minute. wait, that's new right?
well anyway, I haven't had the time nor the energy to write in my own blog in quite sometime. however tonight I find myself alone in my bed, both kids asleep, my husband in Seattle, and nothing but an old Eddie Vedder tee and hot cup of tea (tee & tea) to keep me company. I did a little youtubing, but all that did was either make me angry at the people I am not a fan of and jealous of the ones I am a fan of. ha, and so it goes. I also have a stack of books beside me I have been meaning to read. slacker!
there has been a lot of change happening in our household. in our lives. in my being. what I have come to realize through this process, which I have realized before but not quite to this extent, is that I really suck at processing things. like REALLY suck at processing things. I've known this about myself for a very long time, but I also have never been as busy as I am now. so add change, processing change, and business, and you will find a girl who thinks she's ok, until one day she's on the couch on auto pilot wondering what the hell is going on. so I guess major life changes need to be processed. they need to be thought of, dealt with, and not just put on the back burner, left to boil over and spill all over the floor. (the killers singing about being on the back burner does not ruin the phrase, ten points for them!) I am grateful for people who know me and continue to love me as I figure out how to process the things that are coming at me.
while I am confessing what I suck at, well if I were being nice to myself, I'd say "things that don't come natural to me" but really I'll forgive myself, anyway, I also suck at grieving things. lost relationships, things that I wish were different, (ah, grieving fantasies, those are always the fun ones, here's a hint: grieving from things that actually happen is the way to go, it's called reality, maybe even sanity) grieving any type of loss really, even life change. alas, knowing these faults is the first step towards healing right? right. again I find myself grateful for those who love me through it, and even help pull veils from eyes that I would otherwise not even know were there.
today I facetimed (this vocabulary is fun, "facetimed", "youtubing") with probably my favorite human after my own little kin and she pointed out the huge zit that I currently have between my eyes. that's a highlight from my day. you think I am joking but I am not. we laughed so hard about that blemish that I am actually quite glad that it's there making my face throb, because I will probably always remember our conversation about it. that's how sentimental I am. it's the little things that bring us together. and really, the zits between the eyes are the worst. you can't hide them, they are there for everyone to stare at, hence their nickname as "the third eye." third eye blind. I'm convinced this thing isn't blind, but in fact can see and probably even has a soul.
I suppose I should end this rambling sesh right about now before what I am sharing turns from slightly disgusting to overly inappropriate, I can feel myself heading that way.
well anyway, I haven't had the time nor the energy to write in my own blog in quite sometime. however tonight I find myself alone in my bed, both kids asleep, my husband in Seattle, and nothing but an old Eddie Vedder tee and hot cup of tea (tee & tea) to keep me company. I did a little youtubing, but all that did was either make me angry at the people I am not a fan of and jealous of the ones I am a fan of. ha, and so it goes. I also have a stack of books beside me I have been meaning to read. slacker!
there has been a lot of change happening in our household. in our lives. in my being. what I have come to realize through this process, which I have realized before but not quite to this extent, is that I really suck at processing things. like REALLY suck at processing things. I've known this about myself for a very long time, but I also have never been as busy as I am now. so add change, processing change, and business, and you will find a girl who thinks she's ok, until one day she's on the couch on auto pilot wondering what the hell is going on. so I guess major life changes need to be processed. they need to be thought of, dealt with, and not just put on the back burner, left to boil over and spill all over the floor. (the killers singing about being on the back burner does not ruin the phrase, ten points for them!) I am grateful for people who know me and continue to love me as I figure out how to process the things that are coming at me.
while I am confessing what I suck at, well if I were being nice to myself, I'd say "things that don't come natural to me" but really I'll forgive myself, anyway, I also suck at grieving things. lost relationships, things that I wish were different, (ah, grieving fantasies, those are always the fun ones, here's a hint: grieving from things that actually happen is the way to go, it's called reality, maybe even sanity) grieving any type of loss really, even life change. alas, knowing these faults is the first step towards healing right? right. again I find myself grateful for those who love me through it, and even help pull veils from eyes that I would otherwise not even know were there.
today I facetimed (this vocabulary is fun, "facetimed", "youtubing") with probably my favorite human after my own little kin and she pointed out the huge zit that I currently have between my eyes. that's a highlight from my day. you think I am joking but I am not. we laughed so hard about that blemish that I am actually quite glad that it's there making my face throb, because I will probably always remember our conversation about it. that's how sentimental I am. it's the little things that bring us together. and really, the zits between the eyes are the worst. you can't hide them, they are there for everyone to stare at, hence their nickname as "the third eye." third eye blind. I'm convinced this thing isn't blind, but in fact can see and probably even has a soul.
I suppose I should end this rambling sesh right about now before what I am sharing turns from slightly disgusting to overly inappropriate, I can feel myself heading that way.
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