holy bajeezus.

I have two words on my brain.

they are...

HOLY HELL.

the last two days have been a whirlwind of craziness. and what is the craziest is that it hasn't even been busy, I've just been so preoccupied with children, that I literally was lucky to have time to pee. I had heard about these kind of days, but I highly doubted that they existed until I became a mom of two.

I had a bit of (another) identity crises the other day and texted one of my very closest friends and said, "I don't know what happened to me, I've turned into a bitch, I used to be so carefree and energetic and happy". she replied, "actually you've always been a bitch". HAHA! I needed that response more than anything else she could've said. But in all seriousness, I have gotten WAY too caught up in the way things are "supposed" to look. I mean seriously, I have gotten so wound up about such little things, I'm like Cameron from Ferris Bueller and that is NOT ok with me. I am supposed to be Ferris. I'm supposed to be awesome.

yesterday I literally tried to get out the door to the grocery store all day, finally we left around 6:30 pm. We drove to the store and parked. I sat and stared at my gas light that had turned on, rubbed my temples, talked out loud to myself a bit, and then drove right back home. I thought about everything that was ahead of me. the list (that I had forgotten on the counter at home), the adding of the products on the calculator on my phone, all the people that would stop and ask me questions about my kids (age, sex, name, future college plans), checking out and striving to be friendly to the lovely checker-outer, loading up the car, unloading, putting everything away. I decided I just couldn't do it. If just thinking about was making me feel slightly violent, it probably wasn't a good choice for me. but what the hardest part for me was, it was OK.

what? it was ok for me to not be able to do what I felt needed to be done? I noticed I had, and who knows for how long, been operating like someone was watching me and grading me. watching me and waiting for me to fail. but no one is. the world will not shit a brick and think, "oh myyyyyy Natalie couldn't get her shit together and do the shopping today, BAHAHAHAHA!!!!" how did I end up putting all this pressure on myself? where did I go so wrong? I certainly don't want my kids to go through life putting that ridiculous pressure on themselves over stuff that just doesn't matter that much.

do we have things we have to do? yes. do we have people that rely on us that we need to consider? absolutely. but making sure we are making the right choices for ourselves, our health even, is what is going to make everything flow much better.

today was pretty similar to yesterday, nothing has been looking like how I'd like. the kids aren't sleeping well, Moses is at yet another transitional period where I am stumbling pretty much 24/7 trying to figure out what the heck the kid wants. if I don't let myself get caught up in what everything "should" look like, I feel so much better, and stress has nothing on me. that seems healthier to me. it is surely easier said than done, as there will always be things going wrong and poops you have to clean (in my case anyway). my greatest inspiration is my kids. everything I am doing, they are watching, and that very fact lights a very necessary fire under my butt.

I had to make a similar decision just to sit down and get this all off my chest. I've been trying to get Moses to nap for about 3 hours now, not exaggerating. Vaelyn too. Finally I just let Vae get up, and I'm letting Moses fuss in his room just so I can get some time to myself to process. again, something that is hard for me to do, but I just have to.

it is also hard for me to remember I someone besides a mom. it is so consuming. so fantastically challenging in every way. I remember being young(er) and making fun of women like me. women whose status updates were about breast feeding and their clothes had stains and they didn't know what to talk about except their kids. but that seriously is my life. it is exhausting in it's own right just trying to not lose sight of who you are, as if us moms need another thing that exhausts us. well anywho, that's all the time I have for verbal regurgitation today.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
-Ferris.