next steps.

now that I have aged a bit, (I'm no longer 18) I have a new found fear of getting old. I never used to be afraid of getting old. if anything I was excited about it. but since I have transitioned from my teens to my 20s, I have noticed so many changes physically and mentally. some of them I welcome with open arms, others are what bring on that very fear I already mentioned. in my head, I still feel 18. I still feel young and hip and energetic. but the fact is, I'm not. I was hip... 6 years ago. I was the youngest out of my friends, now I'm older than some. and energy? what is that? any and all energy goes to my kids. what is left over goes to my husband a friends, and when it is just me and me alone, I'm lucky if I can keep my eyes open long enough to slurp down a cup of joe or write a 20 minute blog. I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, as I am not, I am simply noticing these things for the first time. along with new lines on my face. oh yes, they are called WRINKLES. I'm not trying to scare the youthful and childless, saying your future is doomed, as I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I just wouldn't.

sometimes, like when I go into plato's closet, hipster girls are bitchy to me. I'm obviously above grabbing them by their little mullets and telling them about my lush past. but sometimes I'd like to. I must rest in the very fact that I wouldn't trade my current life for anything, or things start getting confusing. and it is a fact that I wouldn't trade any of it. it is not a maybe or a what if.

this june I will be 25. that is not old. that is not bad. but it is not 18. or 19. or so on. it is 25. what do I want for myself now? where do I see myself going the next 10 years? I am no longer in high school asking, where do I see myself in the next ten years, as I am already here. this is a girl, no a lady, in her 20s, wondering where she sees herself in the next ten years. my babies will be in school all day. what will I be doing? hmmmmmm.

"I must create. only then am I escaping just simply living or dying."

creating is the only thing I've known since I was a child I absolutely NEED to be doing. it's just as vital as eating and breathing to my health. as long as I stay in tune with my own ideas and believe I can actually make them come to pass, I think I will be ok no matter how old I am.

I have peter pan syndrome pretty bad, although one might argue that as I am a stay-at-home mom. (the classic opposite of peter pan right?) but being a wife and mother has been the greatest, most rewarding adventure ever, so I think that still qualifies me as peter pan-type. it's all in the adventure. I don't ever want to lose sight of adventure or what it is to feel "young". in fact, that is the very thing that has been tripping out lately, I feel a certain way and when I look in the mirror it doesn't match. in a snap I'll be 63, looking in the mirror feeling the exact same way. I am bit terrified of that, but I'm trying not to be.

ah, there are adventures to be had! it makes me excited.

"the world is your playground. you know that as a kid but somewhere along the way people forget." - yes man.

speaking of yes man, chris made me a cd of all Zooey's music from her band in that movie, Vae and I listen to it in my car and it is amazing. although I had to start skipping the "late night booty call" song as Vae was starting to sing it haha! oh dear. "you can call me at 10:59 but don't call me at 11 cause that's my rule now".