mr. boombastic.

fear of failing. everyone has that fear, right? say yes. I am one of those people that has to self evaluate about every, I don't know, 15 seconds. I think a lot, I feel a lot, and I do those things hard. (that's what she said.)

I have a fear of failing, which often results in me not trying. or moving. or stepping out. I am slowly puttering up a hill that I think will change those things, once I reach the top and start sailing down.

puttering is better than nothing.

another thing I am currently fumbling with is remaining silent. I like to talk. to everyone. about everything. lately I am learning about relationship circles, and how I very easily put anyone and everyone in my closest circle. I don't think that is the way it is supposed to be. remaining silent is a good work out for me. brain work outs are just as exhausting as body work outs. I know, I checked, online.

so I know many of my blogs are me processing growing up and rambling on about feelings but that's where I'm at. I am growing up. I am realizing things, like I am not 17 anymore. which to you, is a very easy thing to realize about me. but inside, I will think and operate like 17 year-old Natalie, only to wake up one day and think, "whoa, I am not 17, and I have just spent a month or so thinking like I am." thinking like that girl does not benefit the life I am leading now. they should not mix, although I often let them only to look back and see the mess I created by unintentionally mixing them. but lucky for me, life goes on, life does not end once you realize your mistakes, it begins. a new life, a new day.

I am almost 26. I have been married for almost 7 years. I have been a mother for almost 4 years. these things define me, they have created a new me. I am still learning who she is, but I think I like her.

so, mr. boombastic. I really, really enjoy that song and always have.

facebook status translations.

disclaimer: please don't take any offense as I have written many statuses like this myself. :)

status: today my beautiful daughter turns 3, she has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. happy birthday baby!

translation: my daughter cannot read nor does she have a facebook account, I just want you to acknowledge how awesome my daughter is and comment so everyone else can see how awesome you think she is. k thanks.

status: man, everything sucks so bad! I hate my life!

translation: I won't tell you what is going on, just keep asking me. I just want everyone to know I am super unhappy, but not why.

status: today marks 15 years of marriage! happy anniversary husband!

translation: I totally can wish my husband happy anniversary in person, which I have and will again later, however, I won't get 25 congratulations comments, or get to rub my successful love story in other people's faces.

status: dear cold, you've outstayed your welcome. please die and go away love, me.

translation: I write little cute notes to things such as colds all of the time, don't you? anyway, tell me you hope I feel better soon.

status: I guess no one wants to hang out with me today. :(

translation: listen bitches, I feel old, alone, and done for, I need someone to not only come see me, but bring me some effing starbucks. oh and don't forget to comment about how you would if you could and ask me if I am ok, which I am clearly not because none of you give two shits about me!

status: ugh, someone named their kid Harry, yuck, really who does that?!

translation: I don't think about the fact that maybe one of you either have named or may be planning on naming your kid Harry, but just know, I feel really uncomfortable with it.

status: I hate when my friends cause drama!

translation: please get worried and comment, asking if I am mad at you, so I can affirm you that it is not you. process of elimination is really best for everyone. and still, no one will ever know who or what I am talking about, I just want you to keep wondering.

status: having some great quality time with my man, watching a movie. <3

translation: I totally have my iphone out, and I am facebooking while I am supposed to be spending time with someone I love more than you.

status: seriously reno? snow?

translation: I may have lived here for years, but the wishy-washy weather here STILL catches me by surprise! it's the oddest thing, I still just can't believe it!

status: nobody loves me.

translation: tell me how much you love me. all of you, ready go.

status: I haven't gotten any action in WAY too long.

translation: I want you to know about my lack of sex life, because it's really important to you and you may be able to help. no really, anyone want to help?

status: 2 years ago today my papa passed away, I love you papa and you'll always be in my heart!

translation: my papa is dead, I am still pretty bummed about it, comment that you are sorry for my loss or that you miss him too, and it will for sure make it easier to deal with the fact that he totally never read this status update because he's dead.

status: my kids are driving me totally NUTSO today?! is there a full moon?!

translation: who wants to come babysit because these little bastards are about to die.

status: just spent $500 at Kate Spade! everything I got was so cute!

translation: all you ladies better be jealous, because that is my one and only goal here.

status: it's that time of the month again, what JOY.

translation: my vagina and I are fighting right now, I thought you all should know. and if anyone wants to bring me chocolate, that would be great.

status: what if God was one of us? just a slob like one of us? just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home.

translation: I AM A TOTAL ASSHOLE and thought you guys might want this great song stuck in your head because it is stuck in mine. what can I say, I'm a giver.

status: I just ran 5.2 miles, I feel so good!

translation: I hope you all feel nice and fat right now.

status: today I ran 3 miles, made pancakes from scratch, went to three grocery stores, did homeschooling with the kids, got dinner in the crock, cleaned two bathrooms, vacuumed, and now I am enjoying a nice cup of coffee, and it's only 1pm!

translation: you should really comment about how incredible I am, ask me how I do it, and then feel like a complete failure.

status: my man and I just got frisky, now to do the laundry!

translation: I like to TMI you. you've just been successfully and nonchalantly TMIed. it was sneaky wasn't it? you feel a little violated don't you? you're not picturing me doing the laundry, that's for sure. sucker.

benny and joon.

every once in a while, you need some encouragement. you find yourself in a serious slump, in which case I find myself in that very position as I write this. I never really felt pressure to have it all figured out, until I became a mom. now, the feeling of "I don't know what the hell I am doing with my life" suddenly has a very new affect on me then it ever has before. and yes, I can listen to my favorite music, I can watch benny and joon and drink tea, I can talk on the phone for hours with close friends, yet when things get quiet, I find myself questioning life once more and my heart begins to pound and my eyes begin to leak. what about the visions I have had? what about the dreams I have seen, they play over and over in mind. will they ever be real? I try to trust, but my trust bleeds over into wonder, then overflows into doubt.

timing is not something I know anything about. I never thought I'd get married, and I got married right out of high school. I never thought I'd have children (let alone like children) yet here I am and there is nothing I love more than being a mom. I never thought I'd live in a little city named Reno, yet it has been nothing but a sanctuary for me ever since we got here. so basically what I am saying is everything I thought, never was what was. what I am trying to convince myself of is that, everything is always ok, and even better than what I could have ever thought up myself. which sort of pisses me off.

but being in slump, it is hard to remember those things let alone live out your life like they are true. it is hard to be optimistic. I feel like someone offered me a piece of my favorite cake, and it's just sitting there in front of me, sitting sitting sitting, and not only can I not eat it, but I have forgotten how to even pick up the fork to start eating. and that just doesn't feel good. WHY WOULD IT FEEL GOOD?! THERE IS UNEATEN CAKE! once again, I find myself extremely grateful for my friends. for the friends that know me, know chris, know my kids, and I can say whatever it is I am thinking or feeling or believing, and feel safe. ah yes, that is the greatest feeling in the world I must say.

so back to benny and joon. I am obsessed right now. have you seen it? if not, go rent it right now and be prepared to get butterflies in your tummy because you've been served a whoppin heap of cuteness. that film reminds me that there is love and happiness and happy endings, and not only is it really out there, but I have it myself, with chris. he's the sam to my joon.

anyway, I feel a little better now. "you can't have your cake and eat it too." oh yes I can, and I will. all in time.

random facts and blurbs.

Ever since I was young, I've had a deep desire to be black. Instead I look in the mirror and see a white-ish, olive-ish skin covering my black-souled body. Why couldn't my mom just hook up with one black guy that just happened to have the sperm used to create me? I mean she hooked up with everyon... Ok mom bashing is extremely unacceptable, moving on.

I've always hated socks. Let me rephrase, I've always been disgusted with socks, yet recognize my dependence on their existence. Socks are like tampons, I get pissed when I have to spend money on them, the sight of them makes me shudder in disgust, yet at the end of the day, they are there to get a very specific job done. Their willingness to do that job saves me from being shit out of luck and in a very uncomfortable physical situation. If I lived in a perfect world, they're be absolutely no need for either socks or tampons.

Brown is the ugliest color, and yet my favorite. If you reread that sentence over and over and really chew on it for a while, I'm pretty sure you could figure everything else about me out. Yep, it's all wrapped up there for you.

I'm an internet lurker. Want to know the name of Dick Van Dyke's father or Judy Garland's birth name? I'm your woman. I strive to learn the random facts of famous people who already lived or are currently living the dreams I'm too puss to live myself. And you totally wish you knew Hilary Duff's favorite yoga posish.

I'm wondering when I will realize that things like staying up way too late, slacking on my house work, or getting in funks when I don't interact with anyone over the age of 3 for a few days, makes me suffer more than anyone else. I hand myself the short end of the stick, and then I'm like "thanks. (what an asshole!)" But is there a certain age when that stops? Like 36? 71? maybe if there was a timeframe I'd feel better.

When you become a mom, the word "bathroom" becomes extinct and gets replaced with "potty." The best part about that is saying to your husband, "I'll be right back, I've gotta go potty" on your date. So hott.

I don't understand why some things are attractive, while others are not. I remember being asked in high school by a boy I liked, "you don't have pepperoni nipples do you?" I don't know?! What are those? Are all nipples compared to pizza toppings? Are olive nips better than pepperoni? What about pineapple nips? Should I order a pizza with everything on it and have a compare and contrast sesh in front of the mirror? What if one person hates pepperoni nips, while the other one votes pepperoni nips all the way? Is that how you find your soulmate, by matching his favorite pizza nip shape? And what about HIS nips? Yeah, what shape are your nips boy from high school? Probably has sausage nips.

I'm really into the holidays. Like really into them. And when I say holidays, I mean October 1st to January 2nd. Everyday between those dates is a holiday, and should be celebrated with an abundance of expensive cheese and alcohol. I'd replace each piece of furniture, appliance and decor with a festive one if I could. Which makes me want to invent holly berry toilet paper. No dingle berry toilet paper!

One time, last night, I shared with my husband my fear of sharing what I write because people might find it inappropriate or offensive. He calmly and cooly replied, "I don't even know what you're talking about right now babe, ever since I met you, you haven't cared about being inappropriate." well ok then.

rivers and roads.

having a horribly sentimental heart is something that can be good or bad, depending on the day. there are days when despite what that heart is feeling, it expresses a joy that overflows and brings joy to everyone else around. or there are days when it aches so enormously, just the mere achievement of feeling joy seems at a loss. on those days the carrier of the sentimental heart, might be walking alongside the road, heart pulsating with undefined pain, wondering "what would allow me to feel happiness in this moment?" would finding 150,000 dollars rolled up and bound by a blue rubber band make me happy? no. would a cup of my favorite coffee make me happy? no. would finding out one of my dreams came true make me happy? no. would hearing that the people I love are all sublimely happy. that would help, but no. would reaching a mirror and having nothing but love and acceptance for the girl I saw staring back at me, make me happy? no. the only thing that could even begin to clear away the fog that is pain and allow the tired heart to feel a glimpse of happiness, is gratefulness.

gratefulness is a sly little trickster, because it doesn't come natural to us. in fact, it is a current flowing rapidly in the opposite direction we are sailing. there are ideas in our minds that have been planted either a long time ago or even seconds ago, and those little ideas have not-so-little power. those ideas bleed into dreams, that bleed into expectations, that bleed into letdowns, that bleed into sorrow. what those ideas are, are ideas. and that is all. ideas we birthed into our own minds. which can be reality to us, we think them, we feel them, they are real. or are they? what we have is what we have, and chances are we have an awful lot.

but oh those sentimental hearts, they tell you what you long for and they scream it so loudly. not only do you feel it emotionally, but it rattles you physically. all I know is that although the sentimental heart is strong, I have to be stronger. I have to keep walking against that tide. I have to keep focusing on what is real, and I have to keep expressing joy for those around me, because if I don't, I'm simply just dying.

this video, rivers and roads, wraps me up in a nutshell today.

it's been a while. (it's been a hott minute)

I really get upset when phrases that should be common phrases in my life are in fact not common phrases like the one used to title this blog post. "it's been a while" has been ruined by that song by... who are they again? oh yeah stained. they are forgotten, while the phrase is forever ruined. much like "you're beautiful". I saw your face in a crowded place, and I'll never be the same. yeah, those songs can all die. I guess it's time to come up with some new phrases. like, it's been a hott minute. wait, that's new right?

well anyway, I haven't had the time nor the energy to write in my own blog in quite sometime. however tonight I find myself alone in my bed, both kids asleep, my husband in Seattle, and nothing but an old Eddie Vedder tee and hot cup of tea (tee & tea) to keep me company. I did a little youtubing, but all that did was either make me angry at the people I am not a fan of and jealous of the ones I am a fan of. ha, and so it goes. I also have a stack of books beside me I have been meaning to read. slacker!

there has been a lot of change happening in our household. in our lives. in my being. what I have come to realize through this process, which I have realized before but not quite to this extent, is that I really suck at processing things. like REALLY suck at processing things. I've known this about myself for a very long time, but I also have never been as busy as I am now. so add change, processing change, and business, and you will find a girl who thinks she's ok, until one day she's on the couch on auto pilot wondering what the hell is going on. so I guess major life changes need to be processed. they need to be thought of, dealt with, and not just put on the back burner, left to boil over and spill all over the floor. (the killers singing about being on the back burner does not ruin the phrase, ten points for them!) I am grateful for people who know me and continue to love me as I figure out how to process the things that are coming at me.

while I am confessing what I suck at, well if I were being nice to myself, I'd say "things that don't come natural to me" but really I'll forgive myself, anyway, I also suck at grieving things. lost relationships, things that I wish were different, (ah, grieving fantasies, those are always the fun ones, here's a hint: grieving from things that actually happen is the way to go, it's called reality, maybe even sanity) grieving any type of loss really, even life change. alas, knowing these faults is the first step towards healing right? right. again I find myself grateful for those who love me through it, and even help pull veils from eyes that I would otherwise not even know were there.

today I facetimed (this vocabulary is fun, "facetimed", "youtubing") with probably my favorite human after my own little kin and she pointed out the huge zit that I currently have between my eyes. that's a highlight from my day. you think I am joking but I am not. we laughed so hard about that blemish that I am actually quite glad that it's there making my face throb, because I will probably always remember our conversation about it. that's how sentimental I am. it's the little things that bring us together. and really, the zits between the eyes are the worst. you can't hide them, they are there for everyone to stare at, hence their nickname as "the third eye." third eye blind. I'm convinced this thing isn't blind, but in fact can see and probably even has a soul.

I suppose I should end this rambling sesh right about now before what I am sharing turns from slightly disgusting to overly inappropriate, I can feel myself heading that way.

postpartum brain damage.

Many of women, some of whom I know personally, have struggled with postpartum depression. Postpartum depression is a serious case of sadness, anger, and fear that one can experience after giving birth to their baby. It can be very extreme in some cases or seem rather subtle in others. I have not personally suffered from postpartum depression, but I would like to birth a new diagnosis called postpartum brain damage, which I have suffered from greatly.

I have been asked by many different and very gracious people to write guest blogs or pieces for various different things on various different topics. However I have found it quite difficult to find the time to sit down and actually write anything at all, let alone something someone would actually want to read.

Ok, that was a little tiny lie, I have had some time. But what I haven't had, is the ability to connect one thought to another, or even have more than one thought in my brain that would even need to be connected to another thought, as the first thought probably wasn't even in itself one whole complete thought in the first place. Since having my second child, I have been missing something in my life that I love even more than my husband. It is called sleep. With sleep being erased from life, I have noticed little pieces of brain activity being erased along with it.

"Pregnancy Brain," yet another symptom that is totally real among moms (shit aren't we just the luckiest?) had bled over it's time frame. I was not pregnant anymore. I was supposed to know why I was standing in front of the open fridge, and I was supposed to be able to remember how I had gotten to the open fridge (teleported?). Well here I am eight months later, and I am still trying to get back on the sanity bus. How come no one ever warned me about postpartum brain damage? How come no one ever said, Natalie, you just might fall off the damn horse, but you'll find your way back on. Perhaps if someone would have spoken those words to me, I'd be feeling pretty damn peachy right now.

Well anyway, my second born has FINALLY learned how to sleep through the night. He so graciously gives me from 8pm to 6am, which is a better gift to me than if God himself were to hand me a purple unicorn. I am desperately chasing after my thoughts, catching them in a clenched fist, wrestling them to the ground, and shoving them into an airtight jar where they will find it absolutely impossible to escape me. After I have accumulated a few, I shall string them together into a sequence of excellence, double knot the unpromising end, and throw them over my shoulder until I can add to them again.

If you are suffering or ever have suffered from postpartum brain damage, I tip my glass to you. Here's to regaining what was originally ours.