benny and joon.

every once in a while, you need some encouragement. you find yourself in a serious slump, in which case I find myself in that very position as I write this. I never really felt pressure to have it all figured out, until I became a mom. now, the feeling of "I don't know what the hell I am doing with my life" suddenly has a very new affect on me then it ever has before. and yes, I can listen to my favorite music, I can watch benny and joon and drink tea, I can talk on the phone for hours with close friends, yet when things get quiet, I find myself questioning life once more and my heart begins to pound and my eyes begin to leak. what about the visions I have had? what about the dreams I have seen, they play over and over in mind. will they ever be real? I try to trust, but my trust bleeds over into wonder, then overflows into doubt.

timing is not something I know anything about. I never thought I'd get married, and I got married right out of high school. I never thought I'd have children (let alone like children) yet here I am and there is nothing I love more than being a mom. I never thought I'd live in a little city named Reno, yet it has been nothing but a sanctuary for me ever since we got here. so basically what I am saying is everything I thought, never was what was. what I am trying to convince myself of is that, everything is always ok, and even better than what I could have ever thought up myself. which sort of pisses me off.

but being in slump, it is hard to remember those things let alone live out your life like they are true. it is hard to be optimistic. I feel like someone offered me a piece of my favorite cake, and it's just sitting there in front of me, sitting sitting sitting, and not only can I not eat it, but I have forgotten how to even pick up the fork to start eating. and that just doesn't feel good. WHY WOULD IT FEEL GOOD?! THERE IS UNEATEN CAKE! once again, I find myself extremely grateful for my friends. for the friends that know me, know chris, know my kids, and I can say whatever it is I am thinking or feeling or believing, and feel safe. ah yes, that is the greatest feeling in the world I must say.

so back to benny and joon. I am obsessed right now. have you seen it? if not, go rent it right now and be prepared to get butterflies in your tummy because you've been served a whoppin heap of cuteness. that film reminds me that there is love and happiness and happy endings, and not only is it really out there, but I have it myself, with chris. he's the sam to my joon.

anyway, I feel a little better now. "you can't have your cake and eat it too." oh yes I can, and I will. all in time.