rivers and roads.

having a horribly sentimental heart is something that can be good or bad, depending on the day. there are days when despite what that heart is feeling, it expresses a joy that overflows and brings joy to everyone else around. or there are days when it aches so enormously, just the mere achievement of feeling joy seems at a loss. on those days the carrier of the sentimental heart, might be walking alongside the road, heart pulsating with undefined pain, wondering "what would allow me to feel happiness in this moment?" would finding 150,000 dollars rolled up and bound by a blue rubber band make me happy? no. would a cup of my favorite coffee make me happy? no. would finding out one of my dreams came true make me happy? no. would hearing that the people I love are all sublimely happy. that would help, but no. would reaching a mirror and having nothing but love and acceptance for the girl I saw staring back at me, make me happy? no. the only thing that could even begin to clear away the fog that is pain and allow the tired heart to feel a glimpse of happiness, is gratefulness.

gratefulness is a sly little trickster, because it doesn't come natural to us. in fact, it is a current flowing rapidly in the opposite direction we are sailing. there are ideas in our minds that have been planted either a long time ago or even seconds ago, and those little ideas have not-so-little power. those ideas bleed into dreams, that bleed into expectations, that bleed into letdowns, that bleed into sorrow. what those ideas are, are ideas. and that is all. ideas we birthed into our own minds. which can be reality to us, we think them, we feel them, they are real. or are they? what we have is what we have, and chances are we have an awful lot.

but oh those sentimental hearts, they tell you what you long for and they scream it so loudly. not only do you feel it emotionally, but it rattles you physically. all I know is that although the sentimental heart is strong, I have to be stronger. I have to keep walking against that tide. I have to keep focusing on what is real, and I have to keep expressing joy for those around me, because if I don't, I'm simply just dying.

this video, rivers and roads, wraps me up in a nutshell today.