facebook status translations.

disclaimer: please don't take any offense as I have written many statuses like this myself. :)

status: today my beautiful daughter turns 3, she has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. happy birthday baby!

translation: my daughter cannot read nor does she have a facebook account, I just want you to acknowledge how awesome my daughter is and comment so everyone else can see how awesome you think she is. k thanks.

status: man, everything sucks so bad! I hate my life!

translation: I won't tell you what is going on, just keep asking me. I just want everyone to know I am super unhappy, but not why.

status: today marks 15 years of marriage! happy anniversary husband!

translation: I totally can wish my husband happy anniversary in person, which I have and will again later, however, I won't get 25 congratulations comments, or get to rub my successful love story in other people's faces.

status: dear cold, you've outstayed your welcome. please die and go away love, me.

translation: I write little cute notes to things such as colds all of the time, don't you? anyway, tell me you hope I feel better soon.

status: I guess no one wants to hang out with me today. :(

translation: listen bitches, I feel old, alone, and done for, I need someone to not only come see me, but bring me some effing starbucks. oh and don't forget to comment about how you would if you could and ask me if I am ok, which I am clearly not because none of you give two shits about me!

status: ugh, someone named their kid Harry, yuck, really who does that?!

translation: I don't think about the fact that maybe one of you either have named or may be planning on naming your kid Harry, but just know, I feel really uncomfortable with it.

status: I hate when my friends cause drama!

translation: please get worried and comment, asking if I am mad at you, so I can affirm you that it is not you. process of elimination is really best for everyone. and still, no one will ever know who or what I am talking about, I just want you to keep wondering.

status: having some great quality time with my man, watching a movie. <3

translation: I totally have my iphone out, and I am facebooking while I am supposed to be spending time with someone I love more than you.

status: seriously reno? snow?

translation: I may have lived here for years, but the wishy-washy weather here STILL catches me by surprise! it's the oddest thing, I still just can't believe it!

status: nobody loves me.

translation: tell me how much you love me. all of you, ready go.

status: I haven't gotten any action in WAY too long.

translation: I want you to know about my lack of sex life, because it's really important to you and you may be able to help. no really, anyone want to help?

status: 2 years ago today my papa passed away, I love you papa and you'll always be in my heart!

translation: my papa is dead, I am still pretty bummed about it, comment that you are sorry for my loss or that you miss him too, and it will for sure make it easier to deal with the fact that he totally never read this status update because he's dead.

status: my kids are driving me totally NUTSO today?! is there a full moon?!

translation: who wants to come babysit because these little bastards are about to die.

status: just spent $500 at Kate Spade! everything I got was so cute!

translation: all you ladies better be jealous, because that is my one and only goal here.

status: it's that time of the month again, what JOY.

translation: my vagina and I are fighting right now, I thought you all should know. and if anyone wants to bring me chocolate, that would be great.

status: what if God was one of us? just a slob like one of us? just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home.

translation: I AM A TOTAL ASSHOLE and thought you guys might want this great song stuck in your head because it is stuck in mine. what can I say, I'm a giver.

status: I just ran 5.2 miles, I feel so good!

translation: I hope you all feel nice and fat right now.

status: today I ran 3 miles, made pancakes from scratch, went to three grocery stores, did homeschooling with the kids, got dinner in the crock, cleaned two bathrooms, vacuumed, and now I am enjoying a nice cup of coffee, and it's only 1pm!

translation: you should really comment about how incredible I am, ask me how I do it, and then feel like a complete failure.

status: my man and I just got frisky, now to do the laundry!

translation: I like to TMI you. you've just been successfully and nonchalantly TMIed. it was sneaky wasn't it? you feel a little violated don't you? you're not picturing me doing the laundry, that's for sure. sucker.