lies.

there are reasons people lie. they lie to protect themselves. they lie because they think they are protecting you. they lie because they are afraid. they lie because they don't want to appear to be afraid. they lie because they are broken hearted. they lie because they don't understand why their heart had to get broken.

oh people. we are a funny breed. there have been some awkward situations going on in my life lately. I have constantly been wrestling through the "meaning" behind said situations. basically, I've been carrying around a load that isn't mine to carry and need to learn how to not waste energy on things that I cannot change. I am thankful for prayer, and that I can constantly remove these loads and hand them over. sure, they come back again. but I keep trying to let them go.

I never thought I cared what people thought about me. I had a very punk rawk attitude growing up. I was under the belief I could do and say whatever I wanted, dress however I wanted, and that I didn't care what people thought about it. oh I thought I was so sure. I was so far from right. The older I get, the more I realize I do care. and I find it safe to say, I care way too much. In fact, I seem to care too much about what people who I don't even like think about me. people who are mean, bitter, and think everyone in the world is wrong and they are right. yes, even those people I wish think I am a sweet and awesome person. I guess we all do. I have heard the older you get, the more those expectations fall away. if that is the case, bring on the 30s because I am ready! my goodness.

today a friend told another friend, you never give up. I want that to be true about me. I want to fight for what is right. I want to have victory over lies. I want my children to grow up knowing the truth about who they are and I want them to love others more than themselves. I am realizing more and more how much I am robbed of my joy and of my freedom by worrying about what people think about me. then there are all the barriers. the christian and the non-christian. the republican and the democrat. the liberals and the conservatives. the feelers and the thinkers. on and on it goes. certainly you can't please everyone. and you can't be sorry for who you are. I won't be sorry for who I am.

I am someone who hates when people put down others. I hate when people blab and blab out there asses about stuff they don't know the first thing about. I hate when people are closed to other ideas, other opinions, when they are closed to the very idea that their own way isn't the only way. I hate division. oh but isn't that the way the world works. let's see how many ways this world can be divided. let's see how many ways we can tear each other down. even within our own groups we do this. our own families, our own churches, our own schools, our own campaigns for things we strongly believe in, our own political parties. it's everywhere among us. how are we supposed to be encouraged? how are we supposed to feel good about raising our children among this? my brother would say, don't have children. there's the answer. let's stop making families.

oh goodness.

I could go on and on. I don't want to be stuck in the slum of this shit all the time. which brings me back to, thank God for prayer. thank God for my faith and the fact that I can give my burdens to him.

I will have victory. I will learn. I will teach my children how to LOVE, if that is the only thing I do. and people will say, that natalie rose, she never gives up.