rose goes greetings.

hi friends. so I started a little hobby making "cards" with my photos on my phone. it's just a fun little something I can be creative with while taking care of my two busy babies. I call them "rose goes greetings". my intention for them is if anyone wants to send a short but sweet greeting to a friend, they can email or post one of my little creations to their FB page. feel free to steal them and use them if you want. let me know what you think of them. :) so far, I only have birthday ones, but have a lot of ideas for all sorts of occasions. I will be featuring them every once in a while here on my blog.

here are my first little samples. I am not sure how to make them links or anything, maybe if you're super computer savvy like that you can give me some tips? :)

in other news, I love this city. I love living here so much. maybe it is because I've only lived in southern california and las vegas. one I could not afford to live in again and the other I'd rather be shot than move back to. Reno is perfect for our little family. this city really inspires me in so many ways and I am grateful for this season where we know we belong here.

until next time, I hope you find yourself having a splendid day!

holy bajeezus.

I have two words on my brain.

they are...

HOLY HELL.

the last two days have been a whirlwind of craziness. and what is the craziest is that it hasn't even been busy, I've just been so preoccupied with children, that I literally was lucky to have time to pee. I had heard about these kind of days, but I highly doubted that they existed until I became a mom of two.

I had a bit of (another) identity crises the other day and texted one of my very closest friends and said, "I don't know what happened to me, I've turned into a bitch, I used to be so carefree and energetic and happy". she replied, "actually you've always been a bitch". HAHA! I needed that response more than anything else she could've said. But in all seriousness, I have gotten WAY too caught up in the way things are "supposed" to look. I mean seriously, I have gotten so wound up about such little things, I'm like Cameron from Ferris Bueller and that is NOT ok with me. I am supposed to be Ferris. I'm supposed to be awesome.

yesterday I literally tried to get out the door to the grocery store all day, finally we left around 6:30 pm. We drove to the store and parked. I sat and stared at my gas light that had turned on, rubbed my temples, talked out loud to myself a bit, and then drove right back home. I thought about everything that was ahead of me. the list (that I had forgotten on the counter at home), the adding of the products on the calculator on my phone, all the people that would stop and ask me questions about my kids (age, sex, name, future college plans), checking out and striving to be friendly to the lovely checker-outer, loading up the car, unloading, putting everything away. I decided I just couldn't do it. If just thinking about was making me feel slightly violent, it probably wasn't a good choice for me. but what the hardest part for me was, it was OK.

what? it was ok for me to not be able to do what I felt needed to be done? I noticed I had, and who knows for how long, been operating like someone was watching me and grading me. watching me and waiting for me to fail. but no one is. the world will not shit a brick and think, "oh myyyyyy Natalie couldn't get her shit together and do the shopping today, BAHAHAHAHA!!!!" how did I end up putting all this pressure on myself? where did I go so wrong? I certainly don't want my kids to go through life putting that ridiculous pressure on themselves over stuff that just doesn't matter that much.

do we have things we have to do? yes. do we have people that rely on us that we need to consider? absolutely. but making sure we are making the right choices for ourselves, our health even, is what is going to make everything flow much better.

today was pretty similar to yesterday, nothing has been looking like how I'd like. the kids aren't sleeping well, Moses is at yet another transitional period where I am stumbling pretty much 24/7 trying to figure out what the heck the kid wants. if I don't let myself get caught up in what everything "should" look like, I feel so much better, and stress has nothing on me. that seems healthier to me. it is surely easier said than done, as there will always be things going wrong and poops you have to clean (in my case anyway). my greatest inspiration is my kids. everything I am doing, they are watching, and that very fact lights a very necessary fire under my butt.

I had to make a similar decision just to sit down and get this all off my chest. I've been trying to get Moses to nap for about 3 hours now, not exaggerating. Vaelyn too. Finally I just let Vae get up, and I'm letting Moses fuss in his room just so I can get some time to myself to process. again, something that is hard for me to do, but I just have to.

it is also hard for me to remember I someone besides a mom. it is so consuming. so fantastically challenging in every way. I remember being young(er) and making fun of women like me. women whose status updates were about breast feeding and their clothes had stains and they didn't know what to talk about except their kids. but that seriously is my life. it is exhausting in it's own right just trying to not lose sight of who you are, as if us moms need another thing that exhausts us. well anywho, that's all the time I have for verbal regurgitation today.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
-Ferris.

next steps.

now that I have aged a bit, (I'm no longer 18) I have a new found fear of getting old. I never used to be afraid of getting old. if anything I was excited about it. but since I have transitioned from my teens to my 20s, I have noticed so many changes physically and mentally. some of them I welcome with open arms, others are what bring on that very fear I already mentioned. in my head, I still feel 18. I still feel young and hip and energetic. but the fact is, I'm not. I was hip... 6 years ago. I was the youngest out of my friends, now I'm older than some. and energy? what is that? any and all energy goes to my kids. what is left over goes to my husband a friends, and when it is just me and me alone, I'm lucky if I can keep my eyes open long enough to slurp down a cup of joe or write a 20 minute blog. I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, as I am not, I am simply noticing these things for the first time. along with new lines on my face. oh yes, they are called WRINKLES. I'm not trying to scare the youthful and childless, saying your future is doomed, as I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I just wouldn't.

sometimes, like when I go into plato's closet, hipster girls are bitchy to me. I'm obviously above grabbing them by their little mullets and telling them about my lush past. but sometimes I'd like to. I must rest in the very fact that I wouldn't trade my current life for anything, or things start getting confusing. and it is a fact that I wouldn't trade any of it. it is not a maybe or a what if.

this june I will be 25. that is not old. that is not bad. but it is not 18. or 19. or so on. it is 25. what do I want for myself now? where do I see myself going the next 10 years? I am no longer in high school asking, where do I see myself in the next ten years, as I am already here. this is a girl, no a lady, in her 20s, wondering where she sees herself in the next ten years. my babies will be in school all day. what will I be doing? hmmmmmm.

"I must create. only then am I escaping just simply living or dying."

creating is the only thing I've known since I was a child I absolutely NEED to be doing. it's just as vital as eating and breathing to my health. as long as I stay in tune with my own ideas and believe I can actually make them come to pass, I think I will be ok no matter how old I am.

I have peter pan syndrome pretty bad, although one might argue that as I am a stay-at-home mom. (the classic opposite of peter pan right?) but being a wife and mother has been the greatest, most rewarding adventure ever, so I think that still qualifies me as peter pan-type. it's all in the adventure. I don't ever want to lose sight of adventure or what it is to feel "young". in fact, that is the very thing that has been tripping out lately, I feel a certain way and when I look in the mirror it doesn't match. in a snap I'll be 63, looking in the mirror feeling the exact same way. I am bit terrified of that, but I'm trying not to be.

ah, there are adventures to be had! it makes me excited.

"the world is your playground. you know that as a kid but somewhere along the way people forget." - yes man.

speaking of yes man, chris made me a cd of all Zooey's music from her band in that movie, Vae and I listen to it in my car and it is amazing. although I had to start skipping the "late night booty call" song as Vae was starting to sing it haha! oh dear. "you can call me at 10:59 but don't call me at 11 cause that's my rule now".