where we belong.

most days, I belong home. with my kiddos. teaching them all about the important things in life. like on rainy days, you watch the goonies, and lazy days, you turn into "laundry days", when you're in a rut, have an immediate Justin Timberlake dance party in the kitchen. things like that.

other days I belong in the streets, running here and running there making sure my family has what they need and frivolous tasks are getting taken care of.

sometimes I belong spending time with friends, helping friends with their babies, hanging out with other families and letting our kids figure out how to share, which is super fun, you should try it.

there is one thing I belong doing, that seems to be my favorite out of all these things. creating. how I love to create. whether it is writing, taking photos, editing photos, doing crafts, or even drawing with Vaelyn, I just love it. it soothes me, right through to my soul. and it always has.

I remember being in 4th grade, I asked for a typewriter for my birthday. all I wanted so badly was to just write and write and hear those keys punch letters into the typing paper. when I got my typewriter, I would spend hours sitting on my bed, writing short story after short story about the things that really mattered to that little girl I was. mostly I wrote about pain. the pain I felt and couldn't otherwise express but through these stories. I still have some of them, and though tears often come when I dig them out and read them, I can articulate now what I was going through at such a young age, and feel a sense of victory that only comes through growing up.

somewhere along the way, I would say high school, I really started fearing the feedback that I would get from the things I created. I almost never shared what I wrote or drew or made. and when I did, like when reading a paper aloud in English class, I shook and almost cried every time. haha, which is funny, because I am a pretty damn loud and bubbly person. (my friends say I'm a "selective extravert" which means I usually like people but can also be a total bitch at times. but I think they are thinking of the term "woman")

now I find myself realizing, I put every ounce of energy that I have into making my children feel safe and free to be who they are. if I am not operating in who I fully am because of fear of failure, rejection, or negative feedback (or no feedback), I am wasting that energy. I have a lot to learn. I have a far way to go. thinking about it even makes my heart sink. well I may feel the fear so bad my knees shake, but I'm going to keep on walking forward. and when you all see my knees shakin, don't laugh, just root me on. (or laugh, just do it behind my back)

where do you belong? I think some may argue that they don't know where they belong, or what they belong doing. I can understand that argument, as I often need a bus to hit me to help me realize things like that. but if we set aside fear and distractions, I think these things come much easier to us. I often envy people who seem to just know what they belong doing and just do it balls to the wall (what does that even mean? balls on a wall isn't a pretty picture in my mind), I am hoping to just join them. starting today.