facebook status translations.

disclaimer: please don't take any offense as I have written many statuses like this myself. :)

status: today my beautiful daughter turns 3, she has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. happy birthday baby!

translation: my daughter cannot read nor does she have a facebook account, I just want you to acknowledge how awesome my daughter is and comment so everyone else can see how awesome you think she is. k thanks.

status: man, everything sucks so bad! I hate my life!

translation: I won't tell you what is going on, just keep asking me. I just want everyone to know I am super unhappy, but not why.

status: today marks 15 years of marriage! happy anniversary husband!

translation: I totally can wish my husband happy anniversary in person, which I have and will again later, however, I won't get 25 congratulations comments, or get to rub my successful love story in other people's faces.

status: dear cold, you've outstayed your welcome. please die and go away love, me.

translation: I write little cute notes to things such as colds all of the time, don't you? anyway, tell me you hope I feel better soon.

status: I guess no one wants to hang out with me today. :(

translation: listen bitches, I feel old, alone, and done for, I need someone to not only come see me, but bring me some effing starbucks. oh and don't forget to comment about how you would if you could and ask me if I am ok, which I am clearly not because none of you give two shits about me!

status: ugh, someone named their kid Harry, yuck, really who does that?!

translation: I don't think about the fact that maybe one of you either have named or may be planning on naming your kid Harry, but just know, I feel really uncomfortable with it.

status: I hate when my friends cause drama!

translation: please get worried and comment, asking if I am mad at you, so I can affirm you that it is not you. process of elimination is really best for everyone. and still, no one will ever know who or what I am talking about, I just want you to keep wondering.

status: having some great quality time with my man, watching a movie. <3

translation: I totally have my iphone out, and I am facebooking while I am supposed to be spending time with someone I love more than you.

status: seriously reno? snow?

translation: I may have lived here for years, but the wishy-washy weather here STILL catches me by surprise! it's the oddest thing, I still just can't believe it!

status: nobody loves me.

translation: tell me how much you love me. all of you, ready go.

status: I haven't gotten any action in WAY too long.

translation: I want you to know about my lack of sex life, because it's really important to you and you may be able to help. no really, anyone want to help?

status: 2 years ago today my papa passed away, I love you papa and you'll always be in my heart!

translation: my papa is dead, I am still pretty bummed about it, comment that you are sorry for my loss or that you miss him too, and it will for sure make it easier to deal with the fact that he totally never read this status update because he's dead.

status: my kids are driving me totally NUTSO today?! is there a full moon?!

translation: who wants to come babysit because these little bastards are about to die.

status: just spent $500 at Kate Spade! everything I got was so cute!

translation: all you ladies better be jealous, because that is my one and only goal here.

status: it's that time of the month again, what JOY.

translation: my vagina and I are fighting right now, I thought you all should know. and if anyone wants to bring me chocolate, that would be great.

status: what if God was one of us? just a slob like one of us? just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home.

translation: I AM A TOTAL ASSHOLE and thought you guys might want this great song stuck in your head because it is stuck in mine. what can I say, I'm a giver.

status: I just ran 5.2 miles, I feel so good!

translation: I hope you all feel nice and fat right now.

status: today I ran 3 miles, made pancakes from scratch, went to three grocery stores, did homeschooling with the kids, got dinner in the crock, cleaned two bathrooms, vacuumed, and now I am enjoying a nice cup of coffee, and it's only 1pm!

translation: you should really comment about how incredible I am, ask me how I do it, and then feel like a complete failure.

status: my man and I just got frisky, now to do the laundry!

translation: I like to TMI you. you've just been successfully and nonchalantly TMIed. it was sneaky wasn't it? you feel a little violated don't you? you're not picturing me doing the laundry, that's for sure. sucker.

benny and joon.

every once in a while, you need some encouragement. you find yourself in a serious slump, in which case I find myself in that very position as I write this. I never really felt pressure to have it all figured out, until I became a mom. now, the feeling of "I don't know what the hell I am doing with my life" suddenly has a very new affect on me then it ever has before. and yes, I can listen to my favorite music, I can watch benny and joon and drink tea, I can talk on the phone for hours with close friends, yet when things get quiet, I find myself questioning life once more and my heart begins to pound and my eyes begin to leak. what about the visions I have had? what about the dreams I have seen, they play over and over in mind. will they ever be real? I try to trust, but my trust bleeds over into wonder, then overflows into doubt.

timing is not something I know anything about. I never thought I'd get married, and I got married right out of high school. I never thought I'd have children (let alone like children) yet here I am and there is nothing I love more than being a mom. I never thought I'd live in a little city named Reno, yet it has been nothing but a sanctuary for me ever since we got here. so basically what I am saying is everything I thought, never was what was. what I am trying to convince myself of is that, everything is always ok, and even better than what I could have ever thought up myself. which sort of pisses me off.

but being in slump, it is hard to remember those things let alone live out your life like they are true. it is hard to be optimistic. I feel like someone offered me a piece of my favorite cake, and it's just sitting there in front of me, sitting sitting sitting, and not only can I not eat it, but I have forgotten how to even pick up the fork to start eating. and that just doesn't feel good. WHY WOULD IT FEEL GOOD?! THERE IS UNEATEN CAKE! once again, I find myself extremely grateful for my friends. for the friends that know me, know chris, know my kids, and I can say whatever it is I am thinking or feeling or believing, and feel safe. ah yes, that is the greatest feeling in the world I must say.

so back to benny and joon. I am obsessed right now. have you seen it? if not, go rent it right now and be prepared to get butterflies in your tummy because you've been served a whoppin heap of cuteness. that film reminds me that there is love and happiness and happy endings, and not only is it really out there, but I have it myself, with chris. he's the sam to my joon.

anyway, I feel a little better now. "you can't have your cake and eat it too." oh yes I can, and I will. all in time.