Ever since I was young, I've had a deep desire to be black. Instead I look in the mirror and see a white-ish, olive-ish skin covering my black-souled body. Why couldn't my mom just hook up with one black guy that just happened to have the sperm used to create me? I mean she hooked up with everyon... Ok mom bashing is extremely unacceptable, moving on.
I've always hated socks. Let me rephrase, I've always been disgusted with socks, yet recognize my dependence on their existence. Socks are like tampons, I get pissed when I have to spend money on them, the sight of them makes me shudder in disgust, yet at the end of the day, they are there to get a very specific job done. Their willingness to do that job saves me from being shit out of luck and in a very uncomfortable physical situation. If I lived in a perfect world, they're be absolutely no need for either socks or tampons.
Brown is the ugliest color, and yet my favorite. If you reread that sentence over and over and really chew on it for a while, I'm pretty sure you could figure everything else about me out. Yep, it's all wrapped up there for you.
I'm an internet lurker. Want to know the name of Dick Van Dyke's father or Judy Garland's birth name? I'm your woman. I strive to learn the random facts of famous people who already lived or are currently living the dreams I'm too puss to live myself. And you totally wish you knew Hilary Duff's favorite yoga posish.
I'm wondering when I will realize that things like staying up way too late, slacking on my house work, or getting in funks when I don't interact with anyone over the age of 3 for a few days, makes me suffer more than anyone else. I hand myself the short end of the stick, and then I'm like "thanks. (what an asshole!)" But is there a certain age when that stops? Like 36? 71? maybe if there was a timeframe I'd feel better.
When you become a mom, the word "bathroom" becomes extinct and gets replaced with "potty." The best part about that is saying to your husband, "I'll be right back, I've gotta go potty" on your date. So hott.
I don't understand why some things are attractive, while others are not. I remember being asked in high school by a boy I liked, "you don't have pepperoni nipples do you?" I don't know?! What are those? Are all nipples compared to pizza toppings? Are olive nips better than pepperoni? What about pineapple nips? Should I order a pizza with everything on it and have a compare and contrast sesh in front of the mirror? What if one person hates pepperoni nips, while the other one votes pepperoni nips all the way? Is that how you find your soulmate, by matching his favorite pizza nip shape? And what about HIS nips? Yeah, what shape are your nips boy from high school? Probably has sausage nips.
I'm really into the holidays. Like really into them. And when I say holidays, I mean October 1st to January 2nd. Everyday between those dates is a holiday, and should be celebrated with an abundance of expensive cheese and alcohol. I'd replace each piece of furniture, appliance and decor with a festive one if I could. Which makes me want to invent holly berry toilet paper. No dingle berry toilet paper!
One time, last night, I shared with my husband my fear of sharing what I write because people might find it inappropriate or offensive. He calmly and cooly replied, "I don't even know what you're talking about right now babe, ever since I met you, you haven't cared about being inappropriate." well ok then.
